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Dream of Fire
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Dream of Light...

...This story is called Home. I wrote it for my English teacher and I thought it was worth posting here. Please tell me what you think.
Link for it on FictionPress:Home


The soft white powdery snowflakes slowly drifted down, swaying in the quiet breeze. The quivering of the towering streetlamp, which filled the small area with unsteady light, caused the ominous feeling. In the distance the lofty evergreen shook its snow-covered branches violently, concealing whatever was underneath it in an ivory blanket. A young girl walked by unaffected by the dark feeling surrounding the neighborhood. She’s caught up in lost thoughts as she stops and peers through the frost bitten windows of the two-story brick building.

There is a family inside by the warmth of the fire, which roars as the burly, dark-haired man throws another log into its warm glowing grin. The two young girls, in their matching rose-red Christmas dresses, laughed as they played a board game by the fire; their father looked down lovingly and went back to his seat. Their mother cradled a newborn baby in her arms while she hummed a beautiful lullaby.

The little girl outside the window glanced down at her own ragged clothing, torn, patched and layered. She sighed and continued walking, glancing back at the house, which seemed to sigh with the warmth inside, you could almost see it sag with satisfaction.

She walked contently but with purpose, she stopped to look through a store window every now and then, until she came across a toy store. She peered at the toys and dolls in all their glory shouting out to a passerby, “Buy me and take me home.” Her eyes came to a beautiful china doll wearing a dark red dress with gold trim and buttons, she had dark brown curly locks and a small teddy bear held in her arms.

She searched her pockets for money to buy it but only found a small silver dime; she turned around to see a beggar sitting by a cardboard box, the girl saw numerous frantic people rush by without a glance to the poor elderly man. She walked over the ragged man, who then looked up and saw the little girl who reminded him of his own daughter but she and her mother had long since died. He tipped his head solemnly in thanks as the tin cup sang out as the girl dropped her dime in it; she in return gave him an innocent smile and walked back to the store window. It was late now and this old veteran crawled into his snow-covered box. His mind drifted off to sleep and his dreams were filled with memories of war and his family. He opened his eyes and once more saw the little girl by the store and whispered his apologies for he now knew his daughter, who should have grown up in a loving home with him, was right in front of him but still out of reach. But soon he would rejoin his wife in heaven as his eyes closed into an everlasting sleep; for this was the night from which he wouldn’t awake.

A girl and her mother walked out of the store and the bell chimed with the swaying of the door. The girl was excited for her mother had just purchased the toy she wanted; the old store keeper glanced out the window to see this poor ragged child look at the two walk by in hopes that she would one day have a family. A smile and a loud hearty laugh came to the man’s face as he stroked his long curly white beard you could see his large belly jiggle with his laugh and his icy blue eyes sparkled with cleverness. He walked to the window and grabbed the china doll, which he then took outside. He then knelt down to the girl and handed it to her. Her eyes lit up and she smiled as she cradled the doll. When she glanced back up the old man was gone and so she walked happily back to her home. Most would think of it as a run down building but she knew that it was the best place to be because her friends, no, her family was there. As she walked in the front door all of her friends asked her about the doll and what took so long. She told them all the story every last detail and they all stayed up and talked about whatever they could think of but the only thing that came to that one little girls mind was that she was the luckiest person in the world...

...Dream of Darkness
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Dream of Night
There are a few mistakes, but the story is very cute.
Dream of Fire
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Dream of Light...

...Thank you very much, do you have any advice?...

...Dream of Darkness
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Dream of Night
its cute and sweet but there are times when its kind of choppy it seems like its a story that would be told to a young child before bed by her mother or something you used and then in the last paragraph consecutively which sounded funny when read but you use the phrase "and then" alot throughout the story... also the sequence matches up but it doesnt flow. like you just fast forawrded a few seconds (or min) and left part of it out. its sweet and cute though <3


if you will check out a few of my stories?
Strangers
creatures of habit (mature)
The Night Women (Ronni Ri Notti)
Pin cushions and starvation
Mental erosion

thanks
... That was exactly what I was going to say.
Well, I would have added more. I'm just too lazy.
Dream of Fire
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Dream of Light...

...Thank you very much for your advice. I realize it isn't the best story. But when I wrote it for my teacher, it had to be overly discriptive. I don't know about all of you but I hate writeing when I'm forced....

...Dream of Darkness
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Dream of Night



Read my stories, Please?
Blind Love
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