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 Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 9:59 am
Backdated to April 12 It was a busy weekend, for Riker and Julian both, though it was only late Sunday that they actually got to see each other. Julian had been quiet, but he’d also admitted to being tired. He moved a little slower, and almost even dozed off on the couch after dinner before snapping awake and going upstairs to finish some homework.
His desk wasn’t quite as empty as it had been a few weeks ago, but decor was slim, and he kept moving things around. Nothing felt quite right, but he wasn’t trying to force it. Sometimes things stuck, and sometimes they didn’t. He just kept trying.
Julian had gotten ready for bed earlier than usual, and he might have dozed for a little while, but he wasn’t really sleeping.
He was waiting for Riker.
When they were both in bed, when the lights were out and the house was quiet, Julian waited.
The door was cracked in case Maxim decided to visit–he often did–and the only sound in the room was the distant hum of the air conditioner, and the soft murmur of the television.
Riker was moving a little too much, and his breathing hadn’t changed. He wasn’t sleeping.
Julian drew in a soft breath. He lay on his back with his fingers laced and resting over his stomach.
He felt a little nervous, but he felt–
Not peaceful. But not upset, either.
Resigned. Anxious. The perfect level of tired that left him awake enough to know what he was doing, but tired enough that he could get his walls all the way up.
“Hey, Riker?” he whispered, and when Riker tilted his head enough that Julian knew he was listening, he swallowed the lump in his throat. Some of the stars on the ceiling were still glowing faintly but he couldn’t focus enough to make out more than vague shapes
“...I was talking to Cyril today,” he prefaced. “He said something but I don’t know if I understand it. But I was wondering…how do you tell the right people from the wrong people?”
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:00 am
Riker was quiet for longer than he probably should have been.
"... I don't know," he admitted at last. The answer felt disappointing even to him.
He rolled onto his side so he could face Julian's silhouette in the dark, one arm tucked beneath his pillow while he thought. "I don't think I'm very good at telling the difference."
He let out a quiet breath that was almost like a resigned sigh. "I spent a long time thinking the wrong people were the right people just because they were supposed to be."
His mother. His brother. Family.
He'd spent years trying to earn something they had already decided not to give him.
"...And then there were people I thought were the wrong people." The corner of his mouth twitched faintly.
"Elliot annoyed me with his do-good optimism." That admittance was followed by the tiniest huff of amusement at himself. "Cassidy wouldn't stop talking to me, even after I was a jerk to him. I thought people were just… pretending. Or that if they got to know me they'd leave anyway."
He shrugged against the pillow. "They didn't," he said, and then quieter, "So… maybe that's part of it."
He watched one of the faint glowing stars overhead as he thought. "The right people don't really make you earn being around them," he said, then frowned immediately after. "...No. That's not quite right."
He was trying to explain something he didn't really understand himself. "I guess… the right people let you keep being who you are. Like…" he cringed a little at himself. "They let you mess up. They let you have bad days. They don't make you feel like one mistake means you're suddenly someone different."
He glanced over at Julian. "I don't think I knew what that looked like until Evan. Or you."
The admission came quietly, a little shily. "...You're one of the people who taught me what the right people look like."
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:01 am
As the silence dragged on, Julian’s unease grew. He was so sure that Riker had been awake, so at first he doubted himself–and then Riker moved, and he worried he’d asked a very wrong question.
But Riker started speaking, and his stress slowly ebbed. At some point, he’d clenched his hands into fists and held his breath, so he forced himself to relax. To breathe.
With Riker facing his direction, he had to work hard to look extra normal, even if the darkness concealed the worst of it.
As expected, Riker had a thoughtful answer. Julian wasn’t sure if he really understood all of it–least of all the part about himself–but he nodded anyway. His hands felt like they belonged to someone else, even when he forced them flat on the blanket, and then smoothed it out.
“That’s a nice answer,” he said, even if he thought Riker was giving him too much credit.
Julian wanted it to make more sense than it did, because Riker made it sound–well, not easy, and not certain, but real. Julian wanted to adopt that mindframe–wanted to download it into his mind and run it like a program.
…Except he felt like a computer that was stuck at startup.
“Thank you.”
Any other day, Julian might have forced the rest of his thoughts and questions far away. He considered leaving it at that and forcing himself to go to sleep, partly because he was losing his nerve, and partly because he didn’t want Riker to think his answer hadn’t been good enough.
…But Julian needed an answer. Badly. He needed to understand.
He needed to ask for help.
So, he was trying.
“...I’m still thinking about it,” he clarified. “I don’t know if I understand it yet. But I like your answer. And I really appreciate you sharing. Sorry to spring it on you.”
He hesitated, but said, “I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things lately. I keep getting myself stuck. So that really helps."
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:01 am
Riker's expression softened, though the darkness hid most of it. Julian was apologizing again.
He didn't think Julian needed to thank him for answering a question. He definitely didn't think he needed to apologize for asking it.
If anything, Riker was just… relieved. A few weeks ago Julian probably would've swallowed the question entirely. He would've thought about it until he tied himself in knots instead of saying it out loud. Tonight he was asking. He was admitting he didn't understand something. And Riker wasn't going to ignore something that felt important.
"You don't have to apologize," Riker said quietly. "I'd rather you ask me than sit there trying to figure everything out by yourself."
He shifted a little beneath the blankets, settling more comfortably onto his pillow. He didn't rush to fill the silence after that. If Julian wanted to leave it there, he could. Riker wasn't going to pull at the thread just because he'd noticed it.
But…
His curiosity won out.
"You said you were talking to Cyril," he said after a moment. "What brought all this up?" He glanced up at the faint stars on the ceiling before returning to Julian's dark outline. "I don't really know him, but… it sounds like something happened."
He paused, thinking over his next words before continuing.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he added. "I just…" His shoulders lifted in a small shrug beneath the blankets. "You said you've been getting yourself stuck. If you're trying to work through something, I'd like to understand it too."
Maybe he wouldn't have an answer. Honestly… he probably wouldn't. But that hadn't stopped Julian from listening to him anyway, and somehow… that made Riker feel like maybe understanding didn't always have to come before just being there for someone.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:01 am
Julian knew the question was coming but it still took him by surprise.
He inhaled slowly, held it for a long moment, and then exhaled in the same way.
“It’s complicated,” he said, more for himself than Riker, like it was a reminder that his answer didn’t need to be perfect. He didn’t rush to fill the silence, nor did he seem to be avoiding it.
He was just thinking. Deeply.
Nearly a full moment passed, but something in him finally shifted. He built his walls strong, and he built them high, and sometimes it was hard for even him to find a crack in his defenses.
Riker was safe. He’d always been safe.
“It wasn’t anything bad. He was worried about me,” Julian explained, knowing Riker could probably imagine why. “I mean, I disappeared for a few weeks, and then just showed up one day, and I didn’t even tell him what happened. He told me I didn’t have to, but…”
The sentence remained unfinished, a testament to Julian’s doubt, but he didn’t dwell. He was trying to navigate between too much information and too little.
“I’ve started to feel really bad about not telling people everything.”
They were his secrets. It was his life, his shame. He didn’t want it on display.
…But that’s not why anyone was asking. It wasn’t to hurt him, or to find something to use against him. It was because they cared. They wanted to help.
“He wanted to make sure I had someone to talk to. I do,” Julian glanced at Riker, as if confirming he was among the short list of people Julian had considered opening up to, and then returned to the safety of the ceiling. “...But I‘m still scared of messing up. Or upsetting people. So I haven’t said that much. I’m…”
Julian was choosing his words carefully. “...I’m really afraid of losing people.”
Obviously. Julian treasured his relationships. All of them.
He didn’t like change, either. Even when it might have been in his best interest.
“He wanted me to think about what kind of people I wanted in my life. He said there were the right people and wrong people, and…I’m just trying to figure out…”
He swallowed. “...How you tell the difference. And when it’s supposed to be okay to…”
His voice dropped. “...To lose them.”
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:04 am
Riker was quiet again, though this time it wasn't because he didn't know what to say. It was because he was trying to sort through everything Julian had given him before he answered.
"I don't think…" he began slowly, "...I don't think not telling people everything is a bad thing." His eyes stayed on the ceiling as he spoke. "I don't tell people everything." Not Julian. Not Zac. Not even Evan.
Some things just… stayed where they were. Old memories that only seemed to get worse when he dragged them into the light. Burdens that belonged to him, whether that was fair or not.
He was quiet for another moment before looking back over at Julian.
"I think there's a difference between keeping some things private…" he said carefully, "...and feeling like you have to carry everything by yourself."
He wasn't sure he'd ever figured out exactly where that line was. Maybe he never would. But he knew it existed somewhere, because there were things he kept to himself simply because they were his to deal with, and then there were the moments where trying to carry everything alone only made it heavier.
"I don't think you owe anybody every part of your life," he continued. "You get to decide what's yours."
His brows knitted slightly as he continued to search for the right words. "But… I don't like the idea of you feeling like you have to protect everybody from you. That's… different."
Julian had disappeared, or at least kept to himself, because he'd been hurting. He'd apologized for worrying people. He'd tried to make himself smaller so no one else would have to carry the burdens he bore. Riker understood why. He'd done it himself, after all.
He just wished Julian didn't think he had to.
"I don't think anything you could tell me would make me stop wanting you around," he said quietly. "I might be sad. Or worried. Maybe angry that somebody hurt you. But none of those things would make me want less of you."
He let the words settle before his gaze drifted back toward the faint stars overhead.
"...You said you're scared of losing people." Riker thought about that for a long moment before answering. "I don't know if that's what I'm scared of anymore." His voice had grown softer now, thoughtful rather than sad. "I think… for me, it was always realizing I wasn't wanted in the first place."
It wasn't really the leaving that had hurt. It was spending years trying to earn something that had never been offered.
"So… I don't really know when it's supposed to be okay to lose somebody," he admitted with a small shrug. "But… if somebody only wants you when you're easy, or quiet, or never struggling…" He shook his head faintly. "I don't think that's really losing them. I think the people worth keeping are the ones who still choose you after they've seen the parts you worry will make them leave. Who don't stop choosing you just because they see you're struggling."
His eyes found Julian again in the dark. "...You've been doing that for me for a long time."
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:13 am
Julian had a slew of things on his mind, all vying to be the most important thing he should say. In the end, most of his private thoughts simmered, replaced by an immediate need to appreciate how sincerely Riker answered.
He knew it wasn’t easy for Riker to be vulnerable, or reveal any part of himself. Especially when it was something he’d spent most of his life protecting from sight.
“I think it’s easy to choose you,” he said quietly.
He knew Riker was looking at him, but he wasn’t sure if it was an invitation, so he kept his eyes on the ceiling.
“Whether you’re struggling or not. I’d always choose you.”
Maybe especially when he was struggling, because Riker was always harder on himself, and saw his flaws so much more clearly–and sometimes he said things he didn’t mean. Julian knew how sensitive he was to those outbursts, and how badly he felt when he couldn’t control them. He’d never held it against Riker, and had always found it easy to brush them aside.
He knew Riker.
In ways that didn’t really have words.
Didn’t really need words, either.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:14 am
Riker's ears warmed, and for a moment he didn't know what to do with himself.
His first instinct was to argue. To point out all the reasons Julian was giving him too much credit. That he could be stubborn and defensive. That he'd snapped at people who hadn't deserved it. That he'd made mistakes, said things he regretted, and generally came with a lot more rough edges than most people.
But…
Julian already knew all of that. He'd seen it, but he chose Riker anyway.
"...I don't think I'm as easy to choose as you make me sound," Riker admitted quietly, sheepishly. "But… thanks."
It wasn't that he thought Julian was wrong. Somehow Julian had always managed to see something in him that Riker still struggled to recognize in himself. Riker had spent too much of his life believing people only stuck around until they found a reason not to. Julian had simply… never worked that way.
The thought settled over him for a moment before he let out a slow breath and looked back up at the glowing stars on the ceiling.
"I guess that's kind of what I mean, though," he said. "The people who kept giving me another chance… Elliot. Cassidy. Enna. Zac. Evan…" His gaze shifted back over at Julian, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "...You."
It had taken him a long time to stop waiting for one of them to decide they'd finally had enough of him. Longer still to realize they weren't choosing him because he never messed up. They were choosing him anyway.
"So now…" He gave a small shrug. "I try to pay more attention to the people who are actually here instead of worrying about everybody who isn't. Or the people who were only just passing through."
His voice grew quieter then, thoughtful rather than uncertain. "I think that's why I'm glad you talked to me tonight." Not because he'd had the answer. He still wasn't convinced he did.
Julian had asked him a hard question, and all Riker had really done was think out loud until something made sense. But… Julian had let him. He hadn't expected Riker to fix everything. He'd trusted him enough to just talk to him and let the shared thoughts settle between them.
"I don't know if I helped that much," he admitted with a small huff. "But… you didn't wait until you'd figured everything out before you said something." His eyes found Julian again in the darkness.
"I think that's what the people worth keeping do," he said softly. "They don't always have the answers. They just… don't leave you to figure it all out by yourself. So… thanks for talking to me."
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:14 am
A weight had settled in Julian’s chest, like all the thoughts he’d swallowed had wound up there. He didn’t know what to do, so he rubbed a hand over his chest, but when that didn’t help he found the button for his heated blanket and turned it on.
“I’m trying to be better about talking more,” he mumbled, even though he hadn’t really said much at all. He was private by nature, and even if Riker had just reassured that he didn’t have to share, his efforts still felt inadequate.
“You said some really thoughtful things. I really appreciate you sharing.”
His stomach was in knots but he wasn’t sure why. Riker had a good answer.
And he said kind things about Julian, and their friends.
He’d helped plenty.
Julian had too many hooks in his mind for any thought to translate cleanly, and he kept getting caught on little things.
But Riker helped.
Julian just had a lot to work through.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:15 am
Riker smiled softly to himself, though it was small enough that Julian probably wouldn't see it or hear it in his voice.
"I know you are." He'd noticed the effort. Julian probably didn't think it amounted to much, but Riker could see the difference. A few weeks ago, Julian would've kept all of this to himself. Tonight, he'd asked for help.
"You don't have to keep thanking me, either," he said quietly. "I like talking to you." He glanced back up at the stars on the ceiling as he thought about Julian's question again. "I don't know if you have to figure Cyril's question out tonight," he admitted. "Or even this week. I think… maybe you just keep paying attention to the people around you. The ones who let you have hard days and don't leave because of them."
He glanced back at Julian, the small smile returning. "...You're already doing that. You talked to Cyril. You talked to me." He paused. "I think that's a pretty good place to start."
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:15 am
It felt like too much attention, and Julian didn’t even know why. He balled up the heated blanket a little, and pulled it closer to his chest just to give himself something to do.
When he’d thought about tonight, he’d prepared a script for what he wanted to say.. He hadn’t made it through much at all, nor had he even skirted the list of topics that were important enough to be on his radar.
He didn’t know if he had the nerve to go back to things now.
Riker shouldn’t have thought highly of his efforts–and maybe wouldn’t have, if he’d known what Julian meant to talk about and what he actually got out.
He wanted to be grateful that Riker thought highly of him. He wanted to be proud of himself. He wanted to accept the praise.
He couldn’t.
And, he was off track so much that he wasn’t sure how to circle back to where he’d been going earlier. It was so much easier to listen to Riker. He knew what to say when he was talking about someone else. He didn’t know what to say about himself.
When he spoke again, the words came out a little wrong–uncertain, and either too fast or too slow, and too quiet, and perforated with too many awkward pauses. “I’m worried about the hard days.”
There was a lump in his throat, and he struggled to speak around it.
“I pay attention to everyone around me.” Which was meant to be reassuring, but it was something of an understatement, because Julian paid attention to everyone and everything at all times. But what he meant was that he noticed who showed up.
…He just didn’t ask anyone to. And the bar for showing up for him was low, anyway. He didn’t have a good system for deciding who was good for him, and that was just another rock in his stomach because everyone felt good enough for him when he didn’t think he deserved anything at all.
“I mean,” he corrected, “I appreciate everyone for being here for me.”
Julian shifted, like he might get up, but he didn’t know why his body wanted to move like that–was it trying to run away? No, he wanted to stay here. He turned the heat on the blanket up, as if that would make it get hotter faster.
“But…I think I’m…worried.” Another understatement, but he pushed through that unease too.
Riker said he didn’t have to share what he didn’t want to, but Julian still didn’t know where to draw the line. He valued privacy, but he’d seen people he cared about hurt because of it. And if the option was a bit of discomfort for him, or hurt for them–
He cleared his throat. “What if I don’t show people all the parts of me that I worry would make them leave? What if I’m still afraid they’ll leave if they saw them?” And then, he fumbled to answer, “It’s not–it’s not them. I trust them. I trust you. I’m not saying–I know you’re–it’s me, it’s just me. I think the world of you. I just–I’m sorry. I don’t–I thought I knew how to ask this. I trust you. I just–I need you to know that it’s not you. I’m just trying to figure out me.”
And it was ugly, and it was hard, and he was so afraid of messing things up.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:15 am
Riker's brows furrowed almost immediately.
"Hey." His voice stayed soft. "I know."
He didn't need Julian to keep apologizing. None of this sounded like Julian doubted him. If anything, it sounded like Julian was trying so hard to make sure he didn't accidentally hurt Riker while talking about something that scared him.
"You don't have to convince me," he murmured. "I believe you."
He let the reassurance settle instead of rushing to answer the question for him. It felt bigger than something Riker could solve in the middle of the night anyway.
After a quiet moment, he asked, "Is that what you're really worried about?" His gaze stayed on the ceiling, giving Julian room to think instead of feeling watched. "Not that we'd leave…" he said carefully. "...But that we don't know all of you yet."
He paused, lips pressed together in thought. "And… you're scared the parts we haven't seen yet are the ones that might change everything?"
Riker didn't try to answer it for him. He just wanted to make sure he finally found the question Julian had been trying to ask all along.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:15 am
Julian almost couldn’t bring himself to move, and he certainly couldn’t bring himself to speak. He stared at the ceiling as if the plastic glow-in-the-dark stars would somehow align and spell out the secret answer to make all of this easier, to make all of this right.
Riker was looking at the ceiling, too, which made this marginally easier. He didn’t know what would have happened if Riker was looking at him. He probably would have had to roll over and pretend to fall asleep.
While Riker’s reassurance was a relief, the question he’d exposed left Julian feeling like an exposed nerve.
So, there was only one thing to do.
He nodded.
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:15 am
Riker watched the stars for another quiet moment.
He'd been right.
The realization settled somewhere deep in his chest, not because it answered anything, but because Julian had finally let him see the question he'd been carrying around.
He didn't rush to respond to it. Instead, he reached across the small space between them until his hand found Julian's beneath the blanket. His fingers curled lightly around it, careful to leave Julian room to pull away if he wanted.
"...Okay," he said softly.
It wasn't agreement. It wasn't dismissal. Just a quiet understanding.
Riker gave his hand a gentle squeeze before letting the silence settle again.
"I'm here," he murmured after a moment. "Whenever you're ready."
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2026 10:16 am
Julian’s fingers curled around Riker’s like he’d been waiting for something to grab onto all night. His hands were cold, in stark contrast to Riker’s warmth.
Except, he didn’t know what to say.
Everything he thought he’d prepared left his head in an instant, and no matter how hard he scrambled for all those carefully practiced lines, they’d scattered well out of reach, and with them had gone the courage to try again.
The silence felt heavy, and wrong, and he worried he’d just wasted Riker’s time. Again.
It felt like a good time to give up. But that also seemed like the worst thing he could do.
So, with a crackle in his voice, he asked, “What do I say?”
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